The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Further Radio Scripts Read online

  ARTHUR: Random!

  RANDOM: Forget it! (Running off) You go back and fit in with your stupid sandwiches! I’ll go and live in the forest with the other ghosts!

  OLD THRASHBARG: (Approach) Sandwich Maker . . . the forest is not safe after dark, and dusk is falling.

  ARTHUR: I’ll get her back. Look after that package, would you.

  OLD THRASHBARG: Of course. Of course. What package?

  EXT. – LAMUELLAN FOREST – NIGHT

  FX: Thunder and rain. Random carefully picking her way through starship wreckage.

  FX: Scurrying of small creatures.

  RANDOM: (Calls) Hallo . . . ? Who’s that? (To self) It’s just spaceliner wreckage, don’t be such a wuss— (Yelps) Wah!

  FX: Chittering of squirrel.

  RANDOM: Out of the way, squirrel. Shoo!

  FX: More chittering.

  RANDOM: What? . . . You want me to take it? OK . . .

  FX: Chittering. Rustling.

  RANDOM: A mouldy paper napkin. Just what I needed. (To another squirrel) And you want me to drink rainwater out of your acorn?

  FX: Chittering. The squirrels scamper off.

  RANDOM: Curiouser and curiouser.

  FX: Tail of music sting wows in (see previous episode).

  RANDOM: What! Who—?!

  GANGSTA: You ain’t goin’ no furtha, bitch! Only Zarquon gonna save you now!

  RANDOM: Don’t shoot!

  FX: Zap gun fired – female scream wows down, under:

  RANDOM: What the—

  FX: Toothpaste commercial jingle wows in.

  VOICE OVER: This program is brought to you by Kleen-O-Dent, the toothpaste with Atomic Whitener!

  AD CHORUS: Glow in the dark,

  Bright as the Sun.

  Kleen-O-Dent

  For everyone.

  FX: Commercial wows out.

  RANDOM: Holy Zarquon . . . the Ghosts!

  FX: Ad wows in and out, under forest action.

  PATIENT: Oh, Doctor Fernando, tell me I am young again . . .

  DOCTOR: As young and as beautiful as the day I first built you, Amanda.

  RANDOM: Not ghosts . . . The ship’s on-board hologram system, still working . . .

  PATIENT: Take me in your arms.

  DOCTOR: I can’t . . . there are rules.

  PATIENT: Where love is concerned, there are no rules . . . kiss me better . . .

  EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST

  FX: Arthur stumbling along painfully.

  FX: In distance the ship’s entertainment system booming out.

  VOICE OVER: We now return you to your scheduled programme: Blondes and Bullets On Betelgeuse Five . . .

  ARTHUR: (Calls) Random! Random!

  EXT. – LAMUELLAN FOREST – NIGHT

  FX: Hail of (entertainment system) gunfire. Wows out. Then peace and quiet, just forest sounds, and:

  ARTHUR: (Very distant) Randommmm!

  INT. – CAVE AMBIENCE

  FX: Rain dripping wetly outside. Random opens package, under:

  THE VOICE: For a long period of time The Hitchhiker’s Guide has reported the speculation and controversy about where the so-called ‘missing matter’ of the Universe has gone. Throughout the Galaxy, the science departments of major universities continue to acquire elaborate equipment to probe the hearts of distant galaxies only to discover, when the missing matter is eventually located, that it is, in fact, all the stuff which the equipment is packed in. There is much missing matter in the package which Random has brought into her cave in the Hondo Mountains – little squashy round white pellets of missing matter – which she is discarding for as yet unborn generations of physicists to track down and discover all over again.

  RANDOM: Huh. All that packaging for a stupid dinner plate?! What’s the point . . . Oh.

  FX: Guide unfolds itself. Whirring of wings.

  RANDOM: (A bit scared) You’re not a dinner plate . . . you’re not a black pikka bird either . . .

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Excuse me. I just have to calibrate myself. Can you hear me when I say this?

  RANDOM: Is that you talking, origami bird?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Good. (Pitch up) And can you hear me when I say this?

  RANDOM: Of course I can!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: (Sepulchrally deep) And can you hear me when I say this?

  RANDOM: What do you want?

  (A long pause)

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Obviously not. Good, well your hearing range tops out at 16 kilohertz. So. Is this comfortable for you? No harmonics screeching in the upper register? Good. I can use those as data channels. Now. How many of me can you see?

  RANDOM: One.

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Good.

  RANDOM: What are you?!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: We’ll come to that in a minute. (Multiple voices) Just how many of me now, please?

  FX: Shutter effect – many versions of the bird flutter around.

  RANDOM: For Zark’s sake – thousands . . . mirrored into infinity . . .

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: I see, still infinite in extent, but at least we’re homing in on the right dimensional matrix. Good. No, the answer is an orange and two lemons.

  RANDOM: Lemons?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: If I have three lemons and three oranges and I lose two oranges and a lemon what do I have left?

  RANDOM: Huh?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: OK, so you think that time flows that way, do you? Interesting. Well, I can tell you that in your universe you move freely in three dimensions that you call space. You move in a straight line in a fourth, which you call ‘time’, and stay rooted to one place in a fifth, which is the first fundamental of probability. After that it gets complicated, and there’s all sorts of stuff going on in dimensions thirteen to twenty-two that you really wouldn’t want to know about.

  RANDOM: How the hell do you know?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: I am the Guide. In your universe I am your Guide. In fact I inhabit what is technically known as the Whole Sort of General Mish Mash. Come outside and I will show you . . .

  FX: It flutters off, Random follows.

  EXT. – CAVE CLEARING – EXTERIOR ACOUSTIC

  FX: Rain up. Distant thunder.

  RANDOM: (Arriving outside) In the rain?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Precisely. What can you see?

  RANDOM: Water falling through the bloody air. That’s what rain does. Anything else you want to know or can I go home?

  (A pause)

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: You want to go home?

  RANDOM: I haven’t got a home!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Look into the rain.

  RANDOM: I’m looking into the rain! What else is there to look at?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: In the water. What shapes do you see?

  FX: Hologram on.

  RANDOM: (Grudgingly impressed) My father . . . looking for me . . . in the rain . . .

  ARTHUR: (Tinnily) Randommmmmmm . . . !

  FX: Hologram off.

  RANDOM: OK . . . so you can project images onto the rain of . . . things happening elsewhere. What’s that prove?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Only that it’s no more there, or not there, than the rain was. It’s all just images in the Mish Mash. Here’s another one for you.

  FX: Hologram on.

  GREBULON LEADER: (Tinnily) More fries? A pop-tart?

  TRICIA McMILLAN: (Tinnily) Actually that cheeseburger has really filled me up . . .

  RANDOM: My mother!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: No.

  RANDOM: I know my mother when I see her!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: It is not.

  RANDOM: Her hair’s different, but . . .

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: That person is part of the extent of your mother on the probability axis.

  RANDOM: Do what?

  FX: Hologram off.

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Space, time and probability all have axes along which it is possible to move. You and your father’s lives are a sum of the inherently changing probabilities your travels hav
e exposed you to.

  RANDOM: That’s bollocks.

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Ah. You see the inconsistencies, but not the rule that they prove. You said you wanted to go home. Would you like to see your home?

  RANDOM: See it? It was destroyed!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: No, it is discontinuous along the probability axis. Look.

  FX: Hologram on.

  RANDOM: The Earth . . . Lots of Earths, like a string of beads . . . with gaps . . .

  FX: Hologram off.

  RANDOM: What was that?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: The probability axis of a discontinuously probable object. The world of your origin lies on a fault line in the landscape of probability which means that, at certain coordinates, the whole of it simply ceases to exist. Typical of all things that lie within the Plural Sectors. Want to go and see for yourself?

  RANDOM: To Earth? Is that possible?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Because of the filters through which you perceive it, your universe is vast to you. Vast in time, vast in space. But I was built with no filters at all, which means I perceive the mish mash which contains all possible universes but which, itself, has no size at all. For me, anything is possible. I am omniscient and omnipotent, extremely vain, and, what is more, I come in a handy self-carrying leatherette wallet.

  RANDOM: Is this true?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Not necessarily.

  RANDOM: (Laughing) Are you winding me up?!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: As I warned you, anything is possible.

  RANDOM: OK. Let’s go to Earth. Let’s go to Earth where it exists on its, er . . .

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Probability axis?

  RANDOM: Whatever. Where it hasn’t been blown up. OK. So you’re the Guide. How do we get a lift?

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Reverse engineering. To me, the flow of time is irrelevant. You decide what you want. I then merely ensure that it has already happened.

  RANDOM: OK. I want a ship to take me to Earth.

  FX: Sudden arrival of throbbing ship, it lands, under:

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Will this one do? The brief was a little vague.

  RANDOM: (Agape) An RW6? How did— An RW6! I’ve always wanted—

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: I know.

  FX: Hatch opens. Ramp slides. Feet on ramp.

  FORD PREFECT: (For it is he; whistles)

  RANDOM: Uh-oh.

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: You have a stone you keep in your pocket for emergencies. Use it.

  RANDOM: Yes . . . of course – (Effort) Uh!

  FX: Ford hit on head. Stone bounces on metal.

  FORD PREFECT: (Collapsing) OW! Hurgh—

  FX: Body fall.

  RANDOM: Come on, bird!

  FX: She runs up ramp, it flies in with her. Hatch close, lift off, ship roars away.

  FX: Feet on dirt – Arthur runs into cave clearing.

  ARTHUR: (Running in, breathless) Random! Is that—? (Trips over Ford) Ow!

  FORD PREFECT: (Muffled, in pain) Ow!

  ARTHUR: (Getting up) What – unh . . . (Intake of breath) Ford!?

  FORD PREFECT: (Muffled, fed up) Arthur! You’re standing on my head!

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  VOICE OF THE BIRD (Chilling) Events that draw themselves to a conclusion across multidimensional levels will draw themselves to a conclusion. Closure will be final and irrevocable. And I am your Guide. While other listeners hear other voices at the end of this episode, I am here to serve you. We serve each other. And in the last ever episode of The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, what happens is inevitably what must happen.

  SIG TUNE

  ANNOUNCER: In that episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, you heard . . .

  The programme was adapted, co-produced and directed by Dirk Maggs, the producers were Helen Chattwell and Bruce Hyman and it was an Above the Title production for BBC Radio 4.

  (Voice morphs)

  Listen to the bird and let . . .

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: (Morphs into) . . . me guide you. All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Even if it does not have much time left.

  FOOTNOTES

  Old Thrashbarg Griff Rhys Jones – another Radio Light Entertainment producer from Douglas and Geoffrey’s era – turned up with a fund of very funny stories and let rip magnificently with this character, the rest of the assembled company playing the gormless villagers with relish. Sue Sheridan was for once able to break free of Trillian and provide one of her many other voices as the batty lady in need of a dictionary.

  One thought about Thrashbarg which would have been fun to develop, given more time, was that he, like Arthur, was not a native Lamuellan but arrived there at some point long long ago and set himself up as village shaman as a sort of pre-emptive power play. Thrashbarg is a humbug but turns out to be a sympathetic one, helping Arthur and Ford escape. One feels the mask is just about to slip as he sends them on their way . . .

  Random A very very tricky character to cast and to perform. We were extremely fortunate that our videographer and Hitchhiker’s über-aficionado, Kevin J. Davies, suggested we meet Samantha Béart, a young actress he had worked with and who had told him she loved Hitchhiker’s. Sam came in and read for the part and was very impressive. It helped that she knew the character and had an idea of how events had led up to this point.

  Random is one of Douglas’s most ambitious characters and as the novel was written before he himself became a father, it is not surprising that some of the dialogue in the book between Random and Arthur feels a bit lacking in believability. In many ways Random in the book reads like a stereotypical teenager, defensive and demanding by turns. But something interesting often happens when Douglas’s lines are put into the mouths of actors. As we spent time working up the Arthur–Random scenes in different ways it was fascinating to see what emerged.

  In particular the big argument scene between father and daughter (the one where the package arrives from Ford) could be played in diametrically opposed ways. One was as an out-and-out screaming contest. The other was using precisely the same lines but asking both Simon and Sam to try and deliver them as if they were very anxious not to upset each other. This was the take that was most exciting, because it did not change Douglas’s lines but brought out a whole other layer in the relationship. The tension is there but a bond of affection has been established too. The feeling it creates is that when Random runs away she is running away from herself, not her father.

  Tricia and the Grebulons and The ghosts in the forest There were certain scenes which – through no fault of their own – looked as if they would take a lot of effort and gritting of teeth in our recording schedule and there were others which were obviously light-hearted fun and could be looked forward to. The mock- in-flight entertainment video on Arthur’s shuttle in Episode Two was firmly in the latter category because Lorelei King was going to play the patient in the tiny General Hospital type soap extract (as well as Gail Andrews the astrologer in Episode One).

  Lorelei is a consummate actress who played all the female parts in the Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel Marx Brothers radio shows we worked on together in the early 90s, and she is very resourceful and funny. Freed from the earnest New Age persona of Gail Andrews, she and Roger Gregg played the breathless medical lovers perfectly, both being actors with perfect timing and an ear for just the right turn of phrase. Roger is the quiet, intense genius behind the Crazy Dog Audio Theatre in Dublin, a master of live radio improvisation and a superb writer. Perhaps this is something to do with the fact that Lorelei and Roger are both expatriate American actors, because Sandra Dickinson also shares this talent.

  The scenes between Tricia McMillan and the Grebulons seemed to fall into the first recording-schedule category – likely to need much hard work. It was hard to know how to make the Grebulons sound alien without putting treatments on the voices (historically in Hitchhiker’s radio series a great way to suggest aliens but now much overused in radio science fiction, and, too often, incomp
rehensible). The best solution seemed to be to ask a trio of comedic actors who already knew each other and could work up routines around the scenes to take on the parts. RadioActive veterans Mike Fenton Stevens and Philip Pope had already very kindly been Krikkit civilians in the Tertiary Phase; by putting them together with Andy Taylor (Zem the Mattress) and adding Roger Gregg for support in the background, we ended up with a quartet of Grebulons who were so eager to please and so anxious to know who they were and what they were supposed to be doing that they kept verbally tripping over each other. Sandra/Tricia came into this mix as interlocutor, but instead of politely reacting off the Grebulons’ unnerving pronouncements, she proceeded to tear into the scene, whacking back lines like Roger Federer backhands. The result was enormous fun and Sandra proved herself the equal of all four Grebulons.

  Random and the Bird The awesome power of the Guide Mark II is revealed in a firework display of imaginative projection by Douglas . . . and by the Bird. As Zaphod says earlier, the concept is ‘sexy and scary as anything’.

  We are bound as humans to a very limited bandwidth of perception ranging across only a few dimensions. Here is a piece of technology which outstrips our five feeble senses to the point where it can even manipulate events – ‘reverse-temporal engineering’ – to engineer any kind of outcome or coincidence.

  This is not only fascinating and funny; in story terms it also creates the precedent that not only ensures a sort of final victory for the Vogons – which Douglas uses as the climax to the book – but at the same time underlines how little we know of what is, and is not, possible. This is the seed of what might have been the next evolution of Hitchhiker’s. For the purposes of completing the radio saga, in the last episode it supports a coda which the second McGuffin makes possible.

  EPISODE FOUR

  SIGNATURE TUNE

  ANNOUNCER: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, Quintessential Phase.

  Sig fades.

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  THE VOICE: According to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, there are rules that determine the reaction of most life forms to emerging technologies. One: anything that is in your world when you are born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way things work. Two: anything that’s invented in the first third of your lifespan is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Three: anything invented once you are middle-aged is against the natural order of things. The Guide goes on to say – goes on to – goes . . . (Jerky wow down to a stop)