The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Further Radio Scripts Read online

  The Trillian–Arthur romance There are times in the Hitchhiker saga when it looks as if Douglas is definitely intending to get these two characters together romantically, only to allow the plot to intervene and pull them apart again. In the fairly certain knowledge that when he wrote Life, the Universe and Everything he had not planned that their relationship would remain unconsummated (except in a test tube), it seemed right at this point in the narrative to underline Arthur’s jealousy at Trillian’s interest in Thor, and to hint that she might look at him with more favour if he made a bit more of an effort with his dry-cleaning.

  The Slarti interruption ending ‘and now, back to the music’ was an ad-lib on the fly that came out of Richard’s swapping silly lines with me. Again it was a case of ‘never cut Funny’, though I feel a pang of guilt about this one; I’m pretty sure Douglas would have made me cut it on grounds of context, it is hardly a part of the UAEBD. Sorry, Douglas.

  The Krikkit robots on the asteroid I was very pleased with this sequence in terms of the sound effects and the picture they painted. Which brings me on to –

  The Philadeeleya Soundscapers This segment was inspired by the need to sonically fulfil Douglas’s description of a ‘mind-hurting instant’ and – more pressingly – the fact that the episode was (ironically, given the compression that had to take place in other sections) under-running.

  The problem with adaptation into an episodic structure is that sequences which read well in books do not always translate into compelling radio. I was very keen to keep the action quotient high in all episodes, otherwise there would have been even longer passages of exposition which only the Voice – in its adjusted, narrative role – could have performed, but this would have made for even longer waits between scenes in which our beloved characters actually get on with what they are supposed to be doing.

  The annoying coda to this is that action sequences rarely sprinkle themselves neatly to fit episodic requirements, and in making Life, the Universe and Everything work across six half-hours, Episode Five was going to be really quite fun but a little bit short.

  Thus this brief but heartfelt diatribe on the superiority of the audio medium as a visual storytelling tool. It is given a tongue-in-cheek sugar-coating, with a well-deserved reference to the excellent Paul Deeley and Phil Horne at their co-founded studio, the Soundhouse. This is where we recorded these series, where Douglas recorded much of Starship Titanic’s dialogue and indeed where I first went in 1993 looking for a studio which could handle Dolby Surround when the Tertiary Phase was first mooted. So it’s not as if they aren’t already firmly a part of the Hitchhiker’s landscape.

  Script editing – John Langdon and Bruce Hyman John and Bruce chipped in on all fourteen of these adaptations, particularly the first six (for some reason the last eight scripts needed a lot less tweaking, perhaps I was improving at last). It was a relief to have two objective pairs of eyes looking at the final drafts, commenting when things were getting just that bit too geeky, that bit too serious for the comedy slot we were supposed to be occupying or just too confusing. Thus Bruce added to the sequence describing how the Book was updated in the opening narration in Episode One, and also invented the ‘earless trolls of Fidelio VI’ for this episode. John is wonderfully talented and eclectic – not only has he for many years laboured at the coalface of radio and television comedy, with particular and award-winning success on The Rory Bremner Show, but he is also a charming, self-deprecating Renaissance man and an accomplished musician, particularly skilled at outlandish pursuits such as balalaika playing (which Douglas surely would have approved of . . . a triangular banjo isn’t that far off a guitar, is it?).

  John’s typical contributions were short, pithy and apposite; for example, Zaphod calling Eddie ‘Screenface’ is pure Hitchhiker’s and very funny. On the other hand there could be an unintentional downside, such as the result of John’s wonderful gag about Zaphod at school – ‘It was always the same three hands going up – his’, which caused me problems when fans pointed out that in the Primary Phase Zaphod said he grew his third arm for Trillian, and therefore could not have had three at school. (However, I came up with a solution to that one, see the Quintessential Phase, Episode One.)

  Important facts from Galactic history, number one ‘The night sky over the planet Krikkit is the least interesting sight in the entire Universe.’ I reproduce this here because it didn’t make the final draft of the script, although important fact number two did. Somewhere along the way number one just got edited out. Not interesting enough? An oversight? I honestly cannot remember. In the novel it occurs just at the point where Ford and Arthur time-travel back to Lord’s, which in our version takes place at the start of Episode Two, and we don’t arrive upon Krikkit until Episode Three. It dropped through the crack between episodes, and now exists in some Other Reality . . . well that’s my excuse . . .

  ‘logging speeds in excess of ten to the power of seventeen thousand R’ This account of the Starship Bistromath’s journey back to Krikkit is drawn from Chapter 34 of the first Hitchhiker’s novel and originally referred to Slartibartfast’s aircar speeding through the steel tunnels of Magrathea. As I needed a ‘buffer zone’ before picking up the story at a later point in time this seemed – with a bit of tweaking – an appropriate bit of novel to adapt for the first time into radio script, even if it was from the ‘wrong’ novel.

  Marvin’s lullaby Wherever we were unsure of a pronunciation, or in this case a tune, our first point of reference was Douglas’s audiobook readings of the novels. Failing a useful steer there, we’d make it up as best we could.

  EPISODE SIX

  SIGNATURE TUNE

  ANNOUNCER: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, Tertiary Phase.

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  Musical background unfolds, layered with the sounds of the book’s illustrative animations.

  THE VOICE: Coincidence is a subject upon which The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is dismissive. This is unsurprising because a Universe of such Infinite Possibility – and indeed a fair degree of Improbability – is a virtually limitless playground for the laws of cause and effect. Consequently the strangest things can – and more often than not, do – happen. And thus the legal department of the Megadodo Publishing Corporation has slipped in a caveat to the effect that a publication which relies so heavily on unsolicited contributions from strangers who wander into the editorial department during its near-permanent lunch hour is not in a position to verify the claims made in all or any of its articles. So on your own heads be it.

  Thus it seems that the game known as cricket (with a c) played on Earth in the last three or four centuries before its destruction was not unconnected to a series of interplanetary wars fought ten billion years previously on the opposite side of the Galaxy.

  Certainly the trophy known as the Ashes was a vital part of that distant and unfinished story, which is why the Ashes are still wrapped in a grubby handkerchief in the pocket of Arthur Dent’s even grubbier dressing gown as he waits with Ford Prefect and Slartibartfast for death or deliverance on the surface of the planet Krikkit (with a K). It is at this point that the discomfort caused by gripping a heavy firearm is no longer something that Arthur can keep to himself.

  EXT. – KRIKKIT – LATE EVENING

  FX: Gentle wind blowing, birds singing.

  Low concerned murmuring from Krikkit civilians worriedly discussing how to dispose of our heroes.

  ARTHUR: (Close, low) Ford, this gun’s giving me cramp. It’s not as if we stand a chance when these people decide to rush us.

  FORD PREFECT: (Close, low) Yeah, well, we can take a few of them with us if they do. I’d love to wipe those vapid smiles off a few faces.

  SLARTIBARTFAST: (Close, low) Patience, patience. Trillian is negotiating with their leaders. And Beeblebrox is up there somewhere. He may have a plan of his own. Comrades, there is still hope that the Universe can be saved. Not much of one, though, I have to say.


  FORD PREFECT: And for this we’re relying on Zaphod? Zarking Fardwarks. I need a drink.

  KRIKKIT CIVILIAN A: (Up, helpfully) Would you like a glass of water, brother, before we kill you?

  Murmurs of helpful solicitude from the charmingly murderous Krikkit civilians.

  FORD PREFECT: Maybe later . . . Thanks . . . (Sudden) – Keep back!

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  THE VOICE: According to The Vogon Companion to Modern Intergalactic Hostility, the region of the Galaxy in which our protagonists find themselves has had a history of violence longer than an immortal’s memory. Children still shiver open-mouthed at tales of Hactar, the vast space-borne computer who designed a bomb capable of destroying the Universe in one huge supernova.

  And of the hostile people of Krikkit – but enough of them has been discussed in earlier editions. That was then. This is now. Zaphod Beeblebrox has discovered the Krikkit (with a K) Commanders (with a C) possess the Supernova Bomb of legend and are intending – reluctantly but firmly – to use it. He has also discovered that the Krikkit war robots have begun to suffer bouts of unexplained depression, and this – as he will undoubtedly discover – is no coincidence . . .

  INT. – BATTLECRUISER – MAINTENANCE DUCT

  FX: Zaphod shuffles down the duct. His movements are in reverb but Marvin, audible through a grille, is less so.

  FX: Krikkit Central War Computer Room (where Marvin is)

  MARVIN: (Under Zaphod’s move) Now I lay me down to sleep

  Try to count electric sheep –

  ZAPHOD: (To self) Marvin?

  MARVIN: – Sweet-dream wishes you can keep

  How I hate the night . . .

  ZAPHOD: (Stops at grille, close to us) Marvin! You moody metal mutant. It’s me.

  MARVIN: (Off slightly) I might have known. Just don’t globber at me.

  ZAPHOD: Eh?

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  THE VOICE: The Hitchhiker’s Guide describes ‘globbering’ as the noise made by a live, swamp-dwelling mattress that is deeply moved by a story of personal tragedy. The word can also, according to The Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary of Every Language Ever, mean the noise made by the Lord High Sanvalag of Hollop on discovering that he has forgotten his wife’s birthday for the second year running. Since there was only ever one Lord High Sanvalag of Hollop, and he never married, the word is only ever used in a negative or speculative sense, and there is an ever-increasing body of opinion which holds that The Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary is not worth the fleet of lorries it takes to cart its microstored edition around in. Strangely enough, the dictionary omits the word ‘floopily’, which simply means ‘in the manner of something which is floopy’.

  INT. – KRIKKIT CENTRAL WAR COMPUTER ROOM

  FX: Grille clatters away onto floor. Zaphod drops down beside Marvin.

  ZAPHOD: (Jumps down with an effort) Hey, great to see you, kid. High fifteen!

  FX: High fifteen hand slaps. Note: Marvin’s joints are rusty. Squeaky springs and servos from them.

  ZAPHOD: (cont’d) Oooh. Hey, was that you singing so floopily?

  MARVIN: I am in particularly scintillating form at the moment.

  ZAPHOD: You’re alone, then.

  MARVIN: Pain and misery are my only companions. And vast intelligence, of course. And infinite sorrow, come to think of it. Which I will, long before you.

  ZAPHOD: Yeah, yeah. Hey, where do you fit into all this?

  FX: Marvin pointing out various components, under:

  MARVIN: Through this interface to these electrodes here. The Krikkit robots which salvaged me from the mattress swamps of Squornshellous Zeta recognized my gigantic intelligence, and the use to which I could put it. My brain has been harnessed to the central intelligence core of the Krikkit War Computer.

  ZAPHOD: You OK with that?

  MARVIN: I’m not enjoying the experience, and neither is the computer.

  ZAPHOD: I think I know how it feels.

  MARVIN: (Ignoring him) Of course the mere coordination of an entire planet’s military strategy is taking up only a tiny part of my formidable mind. The rest of me has become extremely bored. So I have taken to composing short, dolorous ditties. And saving your life.

  ZAPHOD: You’re the reason the robots didn’t kill me? Both times?

  MARVIN: Well, three times now.

  FX: A Zap gun cocked.

  ZAPHOD: Wha—?

  KRIKKIT ROBOT: Intruder. Kill on sight.

  ZAPHOD: (Alarmed) Whoa! Hold it, dude – you don’t want to start shooting me!

  KRIKKIT ROBOT: (Bursting into tears) I know. I’m far too depressed to pull the trigger now . . .

  FX: Krikkit robot collapses in tears.

  ZAPHOD: Marvin . . . ? Was that you?

  MARVIN: Why stop now just when I’m hating it?

  ZAPHOD: You must have a terrific outlook on life.

  MARVIN: Don’t talk to me about outlooks.

  ZAPHOD: Hey, stay cool, baby, you’re doing a great job.

  MARVIN: Which means, I suppose, that you’re not going to release me or anything like that.

  ZAPHOD: Kid, you know I’d love to. But you’re working so well. I got to find Trillian and the guys. Any ideas? I mean, I got a whole planet to choose from. Could take a while.

  MARVIN: They are very close. You can monitor them from here. Watch the screen.

  FX: View-screen on.

  Trillian audio in Krikkit Council Chamber acoustic.

  TRILLIAN: (Distorted, on view-screen) So you have been totally manipulated.

  ZAPHOD: Where’s that?

  MARVIN: The Council Chamber of the Elders of Krikkit.

  TRILLIAN: Just think about it.

  MARVIN: Your friend has minutes to talk them out of unleashing the bomb.

  TRILLIAN: (Distorted, on view-screen) Your history is just a series of freakishly improbable events. And having served my time on the Heart of Gold I know an Improbable Event when it materializes a six-foot stuffed pink aubergine in my shower cubicle. Your complete isolation from the Galaxy was freakish for a start. Right out on the very edge with a dust cloud around you. Then this spaceship that ‘crash-landed’ on your planet. Oh, that’s really likely, isn’t it?

  INT. – COUNCIL CHAMBER OF THE ELDERS OF KRIKKIT

  Elders murmur in reaction, under:

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: Alien female, although it is very kind of you to—

  INT. – KRIKKIT CENTRAL WAR COMPUTER ROOM

  TRILLIAN: (Distorted, on view-screen, interrupting) What are the odds against it intersecting perfectly with the orbit of the one planet in the Galaxy that would be totally traumatized to learn it wasn’t alone? It’s a set-up! The spaceship was just a cleverly made fake.

  FX: A stir among the Elders of Krikkit. This is blasphemy.

  ZAPHOD: She’s right! I’ve seen it. It’s a fake.

  MARVIN: How depressingly predictable.

  TRILLIAN: Someone was feeding you what you needed to know.

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: But we didn’t—

  TRILLIAN: Of course you didn’t realize it was going on. This is exactly my point. You never realized anything at all. Like this Supernova Bomb.

  FX: Gasps of Krikkits in shock. She has voiced the unspeakable.

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: How do you know about that?

  TRILLIAN: I used scientific deduction. Which is more than you have done.

  INT. – KRIKKIT CENTRAL WAR COMPUTER ROOM

  TRILLIAN: (Distorted, on view-screen) If you were bright enough to invent something that brilliant you’d have worked out it would take you with it as well.

  FX: Elders of Krikkit go into a huddle, under:

  ZAPHOD: What is this bomb thing, anyway?

  MARVIN: The Supernova Bomb. It’s a very small bomb.

  ZAPHOD: Yeah?

  MARVIN: That could destroy the Universe if activated – good idea, if you ask me.

  ZAPHOD: So where is it?

  MARVIN: On the pillar standing
between the Elders and Trillian – top of the screen. On command, the Krikkit robot next to Trillian will detonate it with his war club.

  TRILLIAN: (Distorted, on view-screen) In fact, you are all so dumb stupid that I doubt, I very much doubt, that you’ve been able to build the bomb properly without any help from Hactar for the last five years.

  ZAPHOD: Who’s this Hactar guy?

  MARVIN: The brains of the outfit. I feel sorry for him already.

  INT. – COUNCIL CHAMBER OF THE ELDERS OF KRIKKIT

  FX: Gavel.

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: Young lady, you have had your say in this matter. But as an alien life form your deductions are ineluctably flawed. We have no alternative, therefore, but to carry out our plans.

  TRILLIAN: No!

  INT. – KRIKKIT CENTRAL WAR COMPUTER ROOM

  FX: Gavel.

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: (Distorted, on view-screen) Robot, do your duty.

  ZAPHOD: Marvin—!

  MARVIN: Nothing I can do. The robot’s on an independent circuit.

  INT. – COUNCIL CHAMBER OF THE ELDERS OF KRIKKIT

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: Detonate the bomb.

  FX: Robot hefts cricket bat.

  KRIKKIT ROBOT: Detonate the bomb.

  TRILLIAN: Wait—

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: Wait.

  KRIKKIT ROBOT: Waiting.

  TRILLIAN: (Clutching at straws) You’re very different from the people you rule on the ground. Er . . . you’ve spent all your lives up here, where the atmosphere is thinner. You’re more vulnerable to influences from beyond – radiation, dust particles. The people don’t want you to do this. Why don’t you check with them first?

  ELDER OF KRIKKIT: Detonate the bomb.

  KRIKKIT ROBOT: Detonate the bomb.