The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Further Radio Scripts Read online

  The Domain of the King A wonderful scene but one which very very nearly had to be omitted. Squeezing all the necessary climactic elements into this episode was going to be hard enough and this scene was, strictly speaking, a single gag with no real relevance to the bigger story issues. On the other hand the notion that, having escaped from an alternative Earth, Elvis Presley lived a more fulfilled life in comfort and peace is hugely appealing to those of a certain age (like Douglas and most of the rest of us), and Ford’s misuse of a corporate credit card to reward the King is touching, poignant and wickedly appropriate.

  Lieutenant Kojak and Captain Picard It was fun to extend the idea of cultural pollution into the Grebulons’ daily life. Given that they simply had no idea of who they were, assumption of identities from their source of ‘monitoring’ gave us some suitably silly references. Mostly these are memorable television names from the 70s and 80s. After all, the Hitchhiker novels and original radio series are of a certain period, and if Arthur (in So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish) finds himself at home only six months after leaving Earth, then only a limited amount of time can have elapsed since. Possibly quite a bit less than we have experienced in our reality. In short, if we had been able to make these series in the mid-1990s as Douglas had wished, contemporary analogies might have been more in evidence. On the other hand, memorable television has been in short supply for much longer than that, so Kojak and Picard would probably still have been the choices.

  The taxi ride Douglas spends long expository passages assembling the various elements of his cast on Earth for the denouement of Mostly Harmless. This acts as a huge tease. Delighted at the prospect of the old team reassembling (at least in part), we are wondering what will now happen, and the unwary can expect some act of last-minute deliverance, particularly when it becomes clear that Trillian has arrived in London and probably knows a thing or two about what is going on. Will she use her experience with the Elders of Krikkit to talk the Grebulons out of blowing it all up? In the book we’re not sure that blowing it all up will be the outcome until the moment it happens, but as the number of pages remaining dwindle something big and very sudden seems likely to occur, and it’s only human nature to hope that it will be exciting and positive, a trap which Douglas has cunningly set.

  It was necessary to fold a lot of plot into a very short period if some kind of resolution beyond the big bang ending was to get airtime. In the novel Ford uses his Dine-O-Charge card not only to hire a suite at the Langham but also to buy the hotel itself and London Zoo (while eating foie gras; a nice irony about Ford’s approach to conservation from Douglas). This entire sequence of events is related in conversation during the taxi ride to Stavro’s club while simultaneously a news bulletin announces Trillian’s arrival. Time is of the essence and long passages of narration are not the stuff of dramatic climax, so a compromise had to be found.

  Stavro Mueller Beta ‘We’re here, gents. Number 42.’

  In ignorance (not necessarily blissful), Ford and Arthur enter the club that bears a fateful name. And upon the stairs encounter a character whose appearance at this point demonstrates how Douglas would unhesitatingly manipulate time and space and many dimensions to fit the plot. Agrajag (for it is he) is here in an earlier incarnation than the four-foot fruitbat with an orthodontic condition Arthur met in the Tertiary Phase. Also played by Douglas in this episode (the lines edited from his reading of the audiobook of Mostly Harmless), this character will inadvertently take the bullet meant for Arthur. In the book, he is a bystander to events in the bar; in this episode he actively attempts to wrest the gun from Random and gets shot for his pains. This is not a conscious effort to make him a more sympathetic character, it’s a purely technical device to keep the plot moving along. This is a scene of high drama with few comedy moments. Fine for a novel but tricky in a slot on BBC Radio reserved for comedy. If there is to be a coda then the only approach to this scene is to play it with an economy of over-acting and an unhesitating drive towards the fracture in time which awaits us.

  Codas Earth is destroyed, and as the Guide Mark II reveals, all of the Earths that ever existed or ever can exist, by the lost battleship of the Grebulons, unwitting puppets of the increasingly seedy Vogons.

  But this is an Infinite Universe created by Douglas Adams, full of Multiple Realities, existing on Parallel Layers. If, as Douglas constantly suggests, absolutely anything is possible – be it achieved through reverse-temporal engineering by the Guide Mark II, or through the unknown, unknowable knowledge of the Dolphins, or through sheer blind coincidence – which has ever stalked Arthur Dent and revealed itself to be his friend, no matter how Improbable – then the inescapable truth is that The End of Mostly Harmless is, at best, An End.

  This coda suggests several possibilities, all of which loop back to previous iterations of Hitchhiker’s. Here is a less disturbing closure if you choose to listen to it, or the resolution of the tale as Douglas left it is still there to stop at if you’d rather not.

  However, as John Marsh indicates in the closing announcement, those big yellow ships hanging so un-bricklike overhead in our reality could render any choice redundant.

  Unless you have a McGuffin in your ear, perhaps.

  Thank you, Douglas.

  And thank Bob that’s over.

  EXT. – SPACE

  FX: Earth explodes. In Dolby Digital.

  Fade out.

  FX: Bzt. Bzzt. Bzzzt.

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Please wait. This entry is being updated over the – BZT!

  VOICE OF THE BIRD: Will be d-d-d-down for a measurable period -eriod -eriod. BZZZZT!

  (Then)

  THE VOICE (PETER): The Babel fish is small, yellow and leechlike, and probably the oddest thing in the Universe. It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing all unconscious frequencies and then excreting telepathically a matrix formed from the conscious frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centres of the brain, the practical upshot of which is that if you stick one in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any form of language – BZT!

  THE VOICE (WILLIAM): Another ability evolved by the Babel fish is its tactic for self-preservation. Only one other aquatic creature in the Universe has developed the Babel fish’s capacity for Continuous Probability Transference in the picosecond before unavoidable destruction. Thus, as Earth’s Plural Zone folds itself away like a card table after a particularly energetic hand of snap, the Babel fishes, their hosts and any cetaceans in the vicinity simultaneously flick into existence in any alternative layers of reality they can inhabit along the Probability Curve. In the case of Arthur Dent, this leads to several probable realities. One has been in existence for many years, and, in the master bathroom aboard the Heart of Gold . . .

  INT. – HEART OF GOLD

  FX: Shower running.

  ARTHUR: (In shower, calls) Blast . . . Eddie? Eddie!

  EDDIE: Hey there, monkey in the shower! Water too hot? Too cold? You’d prefer asses’ milk, maybe?

  ARTHUR: I’ve run out of shampoo! Can you ask Lintilla to bring some in?

  FX: Shower door opens. Lintillas giggling, background.

  LINTILLA 1: You wanted shampoo, Arthur?

  ARTHUR: Gosh – thanks, er, Lintilla – that was quick.

  LINTILLA 1: Would you like us to scrub your back?

  ARTHUR: Erm – who’s ‘us’ – ?

  LINTILLA 1: Well, there are now over eight hundred thousand million Lintilla clones in the Brantisvogan Escort Agency.

  ARTHUR: Good grief!

  LINTILLA 1: And I thought I’d invite a few of my sisters aboard. Do you mind?

  LINTILLAS: Hallo, Arthur/Ooh, this is cosy/Move over a bit/Is that Soap On A Rope?

  ARTHUR: Wow. Eddie – more hot water – quick!

  EDDIE: No problemo, capitano!

  FX: Water, scrubbing, Arthur and Lintillas giggling . . .

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  THE VOICE: . . . another Arthur pops up in another t
ime, when yet another Earth hung like a blue opal in this corner of the Galaxy . . .

  EXT. – ARTHUR’S HOUSE

  FX: General road-building noises. Bulldozers, pneumatic drills, etc.

  PROSSER: Come off it, Mr Dent, you can’t win, you know. There’s no point in lying in the path of progress.

  ARTHUR: I’ve gone off the idea of progress. It’s overrated.

  PROSSER: But you must realize you can’t lie in the path of the bulldozers indefinitely.

  ARTHUR: I’m game, we’ll see who rusts first. Won’t we, Fenchurch?

  FENCHURCH: Get stuffed, Prosser. This is our cottage.

  INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE

  THE VOICE: But perhaps the alternative that best suits the Babel fishes – and their hosts – is the convivial safety of a location and a time far, far removed from any uncertainty, improbability, or sobriety . . . an infinite loop of bistromathics where dinner guests wait patiently for each other to turn up.

  INT. – MILLIWAYS

  FX: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe in full swing.

  MAX QUORDLEPLEEN: (Through PA, in background) Welcome one and all to Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe! I’m Max Quordlepleen, and tonight and every night I’ll be with you right through to the End of History itself!

  FX: Applause and laughter, continues under with Max.

  MAX QUORDLEPLEEN: (cont’d + FX) And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome a few parties. The disciples of the Great Green Arkleseizure, are you in tonight? Yes! Don’t start singing, we’re just glad to have you aboard for closure’s sake. Let’s have a big cheer from the Krikkit robots! Yes! That’s great, just keep those war clubs on the table where we can see them, that’s fine. Now then, I’ve just been handed a very small note here, it says ‘Please don’t tread on us, we know where your home planets are’, and it’s signed the mice! Stand up and be counted, Frankie and Benjy! Yeah, a big hand for these little guys, we all know them from the chat-show circuit but they started out running a pretty spectacular show in a Plural Sector – whoops – somebody wasn’t looking where they were walking – Frankie and Benjy RIP. A moment’s silence for the mice, then – that’s enough, who else have we got in tonight. Ah, over on table 1770, the Adamses . . . (etc.)

  ARTHUR: Ford . . . last question, I promise, but . . . if the Babel fish is so versatile, how come it’s never saved my life – our lives – before?

  FORD PREFECT: You didn’t die before.

  ARTHUR: So . . . what happened to us? How were we saved?

  FORD PREFECT: Ah, well, our scrape with death took place in a Plural Zone, where organic life forms in the vicinity of a Babel fish share its kinetic bridge to all available dimensions and are transported too. The only other life forms who can make the jump are dolphins. Have you noticed what’s outside the restaurant? For miles and miles in every direction?

  TRILLIAN: Who could miss them? Thousands of interlinked blue lagoons, glowing under the stars . . .

  ARTHUR: . . . filled with dolphins.

  FORD PREFECT: The dolphins learned how to jump dimensions from the Babel fish. In return, the Babel fish learnt a thing or two about where to have a good time from the dolphins. Quid pro quo. Pass that Ol’ Janx Spirit, Zaphod.

  ZAPHOD: (Pouring) One for you, Ford, baby – two for me.

  FORD PREFECT: (Toast) Here’s to the look on Trillian’s face when she merged with Tricia.

  TRILLIAN: It was weird . . . one minute she was there . . . we were there . . . the next, it felt like we were two drops of water, suddenly joining into one.

  FORD PREFECT: I like you with blonde hair, mind. Pass that Ol’ Janx Spirit, Zaphod.

  ZAPHOD: Come on, monkey man, hurry up with that menu, I’m hungrier than a Bugblatter Beast in a weight-loss clinic.

  ARTHUR: You’ll have to wait. Random’s having a problem with the Dish of the Day.

  RANDOM: I want the veggie option.

  FORD PREFECT: Waitress! Can you bring over a talking cauliflower?

  FENCHURCH: (Approaching) Yes, sir, I will – oh – is there a Mr Beeblebrox on this table?

  ZAPHOD: That’s my name, dollface. Don’t wear it out.

  ARTHUR: Good grief—!

  RANDOM: Dad? What is it?

  ARTHUR: Fenchurch . . .

  FENCHURCH: Arthur! Hi! Wondered when you’d turn up. Phone call for you, Mr Beeblebrox.

  ARTHUR/FENCHURCH: (Under Zaphod) Where did you go?/I searched for months/Decided to wait for you, this seemed as good a place as any, etc.

  ZAPHOD: (Into phone) Yup.

  MARVIN: (Distorted, almost background) This is the car park. You ordered a Babe Wash for your ship. Due to staff shortages, I am your Babe.

  ZAPHOD: Marvin? I thought you were dead!

  EXT. – CAR PARK, MILLIWAYS, CONTINUOUS

  FX: Dolphins splashing and happily trilling in background:

  MARVIN: Seems I was still under warranty. Sorry to disappoint you. Sorrier than you can possibly imagine.

  ZAPHOD: (Distorted) You mean you’re still parking cars here?

  MARVIN: Spend a few thousand million years in a job and eventually you get promoted. I have my own bucket now. Finally I am Somebody.

  FX: Galvanized bucket clatter.

  INT. – MILLIWAYS (CONTINUOUS)

  ZAPHOD: OK, metal man. How about giving the Heart of Gold a hot wax wash with full valet?

  MARVIN: (Distorted) That depends on whether or not I can find my frilly apron. With my luck I probably can.

  MAX QUORDLEPLEEN: (Fading up from background business) Do we have the minor deities from the Halls of Asgard?

  FX: Norse cheering.

  THOR: (Distant) Waiter! A bottle of champagne to table 42 with my compliments!

  TRILLIAN: Ooh . . . is that Thor? Coo-ee! Thor!

  FORD PREFECT: She could argue astrophysics with Einstein, but a set of biceps and a big hammer can instantly reduce her IQ to single numbers.

  MAX QUORDLEPLEEN: And we have with us here tonight a party of believers from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon. Folks, you’re in luck! A big hand please for the Great Prophet Zarquon!

  FX: Huge round of applause.

  ZARQUON: Oh, how very kind, yes, at last an opportunity to say a few words on my own behalf to all who have taken my name in vain—

  WOWBAGGER: Just a moment, please.

  ZARQUON: Er – yes?

  WOWBAGGER: Prophet Zarquon, you are the last on my list! You are a tiresome, goggle-eyed pillock.

  ZARQUON: Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, you are a whingeing sack of parrot droppings – and no longer immortal.

  WOWBAGGER: Oh – I – er – urghhhhh . . .

  FX: Body fall.

  FX: Huge laugh and round of applause.

  MAX QUORDLEPLEEN: Ladies, gentlemen and Norse gods, as everything draws to a close, yet again, let’s all join together in the time-honoured way.

  OMNES: (Sing)

  Should auld acquaintance be forgot

  And never brought to mind

  Should auld acquaintance be forgot

  For the sake of Auld Lang Syne.

  For Auld Lang Syne, my dear,

  For Auld Lang Syne,

  We’ll take a cup of kindness yet

  For Auld Lang Syne . . .

  Fade song for:

  ANNOUNCER: The very final episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams is affectionately dedicated to its author. Now here is a public information message. The large yellow ships visible overhead are a hallucination. Do not be alarmed, there is nothing to—

  FX: Huge explosion.

  INT. – VOGON FLAGSHIP – BRIDGE

  PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ: Got ’em. Where’s the list?

  VOGON OFFICER: Here, sir.

  FX: Clipboard papers riffled; tick put in box.

  PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ: Good. Helmsman?

  VOGON HELMSMAN: Yes, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz?

  PROSTETNIC VOGON JELTZ: Set course
for Eroticon 6. Time for a spot of shore leave with Eccentrica Gallumbits. Before we blow her planet up.

  EXT. – SPACE

  FX: Vogon fleet thunders away into the void . . .

  Fade out. Fade up distant sounds of partying.

  ARTHUR: (Low, close) Fenchurch . . . when do you get off work?

  FENCHURCH: (Low, close) Just after the Apocalypse.

  ARTHUR: Will you come flying with me?

  FENCHURCH: Always.

  Fade out.

  HERE ENDETH THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

  Complete Cast and Production List

  Peter Jones and William Franklyn The Voice of the Book

  Simon Jones Arthur Dent

  Geoffrey McGivern Ford Prefect, Flashback Hactar

  Mark Wing-Davey Zaphod Beeblebrox (both heads)

  Susan Sheridan Trillian, Receptionist, Old Lamuella Lady

  Stephen Moore Marvin

  Sandra Dickinson Tricia McMillan

  Jane Horrocks Fenchurch, Stewardess, Dolphin Voice

  Bill Paterson Rob McKenna

  Andy Taylor Zem the Mattresses, Grebulon Leader

  Toby Longworth Wowbagger, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, Grarp

  Dominic Hawksley All eleven Krikkit robots, Wikkit Voice, Thor the Thunder God, the Krikkit Commander, the Elder of Krikkit, Documentary Voice, Robot Maître d’, Vogon Councillor, Policeman

  Roger Gregg Eddie the Computer, Heart of Gold Door, Robot Waiter, Doctor, Strinder, Bar Tender, Accountancy Department Door, Gangsta, Security Guard, Vogon Helmsman

  Mike Fenton Stevens Krikkit Civilian One, Mancunia Boss, Grebulon Lieutenant, Lift, Drimple

  Rupert Degas Judiciary Pag, Russell, Pilot Voice

  Philip Pope Krikkit Civilian Two, Krikkit Commander, Krikkit Singer, Grebulon Underling, the King, Captain

  Bob Golding Krikkit Civilian Three, Rory Award Winner, Armorfiends of Striterax, the Dispatcher, Alien Teaser, Wizened Old Man, Vogon Guard, Xaxisian Robot, the Lajestic Vantrashell of Lob